I think I actually like this way better, or maybe I just want to defend my lack of writing, because I write at intervals where I remember most things, but the unimportant things, to me anyway, kind of fade into the background and I'm left with the stuff that has impacted me the most over the past mildly long period of time.
So here I am again, killing some time putting off what might/probably will end in a fizzle like so many other things in the life of a human. I guess I write to process, things do become clearer and I evaluate things in a slightly different way when they're in georgia, normal font size, black and white letters, but with the scarcity of the posts I gravitate to a slightly different reason. I think it's because I'm scared a little.
I've got alzheimers coming at me from both sides of the family and my prospects for sanity past the age of like 70 don't look amazingly good. I care about the people around me deeply and I don't think there are many things worse than when someone you love doesn't remember your name. I'm scared I'm going to hurt the people who care for me the most and while I don't need the minute by minute recounting of my life, I think subconsciously I want some record of who I am and where I've come from.
Identity is a funny thing. Many people have many different ways of defining the word but I think everyone has the same basic understanding of what it means. It's what you mean when you say "I". One letter representing however many years may be in your life. All the exeriences, opinions, friends, enemies, ups and downs of the period of time since you came into this world can be summed up in three pen strokes. I never want to lose that. If the ink of I starts to fade off the pages of my DNA I'll be in what I consider to be possibly the worst position I could be. Not in a position to hurt loved ones, but unable to not hurt them.
So here I am, postponing the inevitable. May my ink never fade, that I may never be the cause of tears on my loved ones pages.
